something about writing is such a great way to vent...i guess now that i look back on it i'm not the only one that's going thru what some may call a recession...i was speaking to a really good friend of mine on the phone the other day...i don't know how he does it but he puts things in such a good perspective you have a different outlook once the conversation is done...i felt a lot better...not to sound like i come from the stone age but it's something about a man being a man and wanting to work, wanting to bring home a nice paycheck and know he has earned his keep...i guess this whole job situation can easily make one feel "useless." i was scrambling day to day just looking for something to do...it's funny but when you're working you kinda don't want to be at work wishing you had more free time...and when you're not gainfully employed you kinda wish you were working...but, once the novelty of having the all this free wears off reality sets in along with other thoughts of sometimes depress, the feeling of uncertainty, the unknown...i owe my friend a debt of gratitude...sometimes it's good to know you're not the only one in the boat...it's good to know there is someone else going thru something similar...i always say i have the greatest friends in the world, even when i have the idle time to knit pick and trip off the little things, they somehow bring me back full circle...my friend constantly reminds me don't sweat the small stuff or even the big stuff it's just plain ole' stuff...and i always respond that we are truly blessed that it could be worse...i am slowly finding more things to do in this idle time & reminded by two other good friends to take advantage of this time...i'm truly glad & really blessed and know that life is good...there is also someone who has been instrumental who is very close to me & i realize even more how important she is...thank you...

I sit here in front of my laptop pondering on what to write...not for the sake of writing just to fill time or space, but rather, to write to comment on events & situations that i may spend too much time thinking about...i remember a time when people used to hold the door open for you...i remember a time when women were women & men were men...i remember when people weren't shocked that you had manners...i remember alot of things but for some reason i can't seem to find resolve in regards to why people collectively tend to act the way they do...there just doesn't seem to be a sense of humanity as a whole...we invade countries, we bomb them, kill their citizens, yet rest our heads comfortably on soft pillows only to stress about bills & other things...i have a friend who has been deployed to iraq for the 2nd time...i really doubt the 1st thing on his mind is a mortgage or a cell phone bill...the main concern for him is to stay alive & make it back home without the nightmares that PTSD brings...i've had PTSD so i know what it's like to wake up screaming...not PTSD from fighting a war but PTSD from fighting Kaiser, from fighting the very thought that my mother didn't come home from the hospital...it has surely changed me...ask anyone that really knows me...i am glad to say that i am sleeping better, i don't have the nightmares, & i have a greater appreciation for life...those that know me know i don't hold back...those that know me know i feel things...some label it sensitive i label it life...i've been accused by a good friend of mine for being too sensitive but his frame of reference is far different from mine...it's almost as if it's a pagan accusation...oh know, here comes the sensitive guy...well, what makes a person so hard???...life's experiences???...hmm, i was thrown from a vehicle at 6 months, lost both my parents in the accident, i survived & was adopted...i watched my mother die in the hospital & never got a chance to say goodbye or hear her last words...so, how am i sensitive???...shouldn't those experiences make me "hard???" the way i see it i should be a real jerk...i should have no feelings at all...all that i've been thru, the ups & downs in dealing with relationships would have turned anyone into a womanizer...is that what the definition of man is???...quantity rather than quality???...i prefer it the other way around...courage is not defined by how many people you fight or the type of music you listen to, courage is defined by each person's own strength whether it's measured simply by getting up in the morning everyday & heading out to do something they don't really want to do but know it will better others in their family or the strength to stand up to those that bring harm not only thru violence but thru words that do affect you...i'm one that believes in loyalty & honor & the code of discipline...i don't surround myself with liars or those i feel i have to question in my mind...i understand that people change but what i don't understand is why some change for the worse...i don't understand why people take people for granted & not appreciate them for who & what they are everyday...i don't understand why people tend to have short term memory loss in regards to who their true friends & family are...when my mother died i learned many valuable lessons about people & how they act & react...i learned that those that say they're your family aren't...i also learned that there are those that truly do have your best interests at heart...sometimes people tend to lose their way or they see a shinier car on the lot or grass they tend to think is greener...but, that does not give that person the right to treat those that have been by their sides like S***...i treat those the same way i would like to be treated whether you're a stranger or you're the closest person to me...i feel that is what's lacking nowadays...the disconnect...we'd rather connect to facebook than face-to-face...we'd rather send an e-mail than paste a stamp...we sit in our cars day after day cursing up a storm at someone we don't even know due to our "space" created by the doors in our vehicle...we then act as if we own the space outside the vehicle...i'm guilty of this & am working on it & trying to break a habit that i know is not healthy...i don't smoke or drink yet it seems like i might as well since the harm i am doing myself getting stressed or angry pretty much has the same effect...so, what's the solution???...people close to me say don't worry, move on, don't trip, live your life...these are great mantras to live by but everything seems easier said than done...i do take heed to the wonderful advice i receive & want to get things like they use to be but therein lies the very reason possibly as to why i'm even writing this blog...i know things will never be the same again...people change...people move on...it's time i do the same...