What have I become?

Seems like I've allowed myself to use FaceBook as a vehicle to voice my rants be it with future in-laws, friends, supposed family, the environment, race relations, the economy, the previous administration, what i want from & in life, the music industry, the sports industry, the movie industry, any industry for that matter...i would find anything & everything to formulate an opinion on...someone very close to me turned to me & said you're opinionated...i think she was afraid i would form an opinion on her comment & fly off the handle...to my amazement, i didn't...i just laid there...thoughts about thoughts tried to overtake my mind & come up with a quick response but like Mute Math i had "No Response." Not a word, not a sound...the silence was amazing even to me...Since then i have been thinking about what she said...i went back & retraced everything i've said about & to everyone...i thought about my posts on FaceBook...I thought about how the energy i've put out there can some day come back to me...is this a gag order on my passion???...i wouldn't classify it as that...let's just say i've shed my grunts, my extreme opinions on matters, my desire to even voice such things & have turned a new leaf...i know a few people out there are saying "yeah, right" or "we'll see how long this lasts." well, i figured that if i continued on that path i wouldn't last as long as i'd like...you see, the problems with all i've said aren't even problems with the situations...they were feelings that were triggered by the situations that i haven't even begun to address at that time...well, now is the time...so, if there's anyone i've offended then my sincerest apologies...

empathy for the unemployed...

it's been longer than i wanted to sit down & press some keys...hmm, a lot has happened since then...let's discuss the subject of idle time...i have been out of work since august 29, 2008...those that i know that are employed are tired of the the M-F ( the days not the expletive)...my routine has become what i feared, free...of course you may look at me and wonder what the heck is wrong with me...i have no boss to answer to...i have no deadlines to meet at work...i can sleep in...i can stay up late with no worries of having to be somewhere the next day...i have all the time in the world in a sense to do as i wish...drive to the park???...i'll be there...take a run???...no need to wait for rush hour...catch a movie???...just name the time & place...most would i assume trade in their young child to have that type of freedom...but, i have to admit it's not what it's all cracked up to be...this isn't some post that's going to whine or cry boo hoo...it's simply an observation post one can spring from just hoping to land in water thats deeper than waist high...i was plenty excited to not have to be anywhere...well, that only lasts for about a month...it's like michael keaton in Mr. Mom when he grows the beard out then it finally clicks that it's not all cracked up the way one would want it to be...it seems that those that don't work want to work & those that work don't really want to work...i miss the addition of a paycheck to my bank account...i run to the mail box searching for the unemployment check as if it was crack that the dealer has left...if it's not there then i frantically spin in a circle as my frustration fuels the sad site...getting the form to the mail box is a whole different story that my good friend, whom i won't mention, can totally agree with...we have it down to a science as if we were the Mr. Wizards of the California EDD...if we mail it by Sunday at a specific time we should receive the check by Thursday...sometimes, it will not arrive until Friday and that's when, well, i do the circle dance of frantic panting...i also miss the ability to walk into a store, grocery or whatever it may be at the time, and wonder if getting the 24 pack of cheese instead of the 16 pack will put a dent into my account...i then play the juggle game as if i was dionne warwick & try and predict that if i do get the extra sized cheese will i able to afford the mobile phone bill...hmm, cheese or mboile connectivity to the world???...what a trade off...my bank's on-line site has become a good friend of mine as if i was online dating...i check it to see if i have any messages...but, what i really check for is to see if my balance has dropped to a point where i have to frantically hold an e-bay auction...
Then there's the job search itself...it's like the 1st date with a girl you really admire and want...you ask her out & she accepts...think sending in your resume and you receive a reply...you drop her off at home, walk her to her door, then...well, here's the tricky part...you're not sure whether or not your attempt at a kiss will result in "the" kiss or if rejection will be the flavor of the night...this can be interpreted as well, thank you for your resume, we will contact you if we deem you qualified...so, you just wait...and wait...and wait...will you get the kiss, i mean call???...hmm, who knows...your resume???...spotless...your qualifications???...meticulous...your cover letter???...incredulous...but, no kiss, i mean, reply...so, you start to look in the mirror and wonder, is it you???...with that profound question comes the inevitable yet humane "beat yourself up" session where you don't necessarily feel sorry for yourself but question upon question creeps from that space way back in your mind reserved for, say, the embarassing hangover you had, or the time you got out of the pool yet for some reason your swimsuit wasn't tied tight enough...you feel as if you're drowning...you're in the ocean like Clooney & Wahlberg in The Perfect Storm...but, somewhere in the human emotion of things, you dig deep down inside & you find the courage to keep going...sure thoughts of hanging on the corner participating in illicit & illegal activities cross your mind over and over but something in the human spirit of things, you realize that you were raised right & all that have come before you would be sorely disappointed in your decision making process should you decide to engage in that life...
as you go to bed at night you worry about whether or not your refrigerator will have food in it at the end of the week...you wonder if the banks will stop calling you wanting "their" money they have lent you...that's the big one...i didn't realize how popular i was with my bank...all this time i never received a call from them and now that i "owe" them they're calling left & right, on the hour, every hour...it's to the point where i know exactly what times & who it is calling...the automated system is so advanced it even knows not to leave a message...i'm just waiting for it to say, we know you're listening so just pick up the phone and give us our money...it's almost as if iRobot is calling on my iPhone...delete, delete, delete is the button i can push without even looking at it...my stomach goes to knots...my head starts hurting...if i wasn't a "responsible" person i could totally understand and just let it go...yet, i am responsible...i worry about my credit score...well, what about a humanity score???...why not apply a ratings system to those that do good & care about fellow peoples???...where's the rating system in that???...since when did we become a society where our financial status is rated and replaces our kindness status???...there's a few millionaires i could name other than Gates & Jobs in that arena...
i had all my ducks lined up in a row...i was ready to "conquer" the world...my own refuge is to tell myself things are going to work out, it's going to be okay...i'm blessed to have people around me that truly care for my well-being...that's something i can't cash or receive in the mail every two weeks...it's something that has no deadline & no extension...i believe things happen for a reason...does this situation occur to "humble" me???...does it occur to force me to think twice & be more fiscally responsible???...i would have to give a resounding yes...it doesn't add funds to my bank account when i need to pay a bill but, it does bring solace to the sleepless nights i have wondering if everything's going to be okay...
I, and i assume like others, didn't anticipate such an event on a global scale occur...what price will must those that allowed the situation to occur pay while we toil trying to hold onto what strings of sanity we do have left???...i know things will improve...cliche upon cliche is bouncing around in my mind...there's a light at the end of the tunnel...things will get better...the sun will keep shining, there's no way but up once you've been knocked down, etc., etc., etc. My solution is this...don't be so hard on yourself...don't give up...keep your class & composure...take the time to appreciate the "simple" things...don't let this situation get the best of you...soon enough we'll look back & laugh about it...this is just a spreckle of what i've been thru...that's a part of the equation that keeps me going...does it get rough???...more than you know...will i make it thru this???...that's all i can do...for those that are struggling, don't give up and go easy on yourself...i'm blessed...i know this...i don't have bombs being dropped on me...if i get hungry i do have access to food...it's a simple shift of lifestyle...i've been spoiled and i admit it...but, living in the past isn't going to change things...it's time to bring balance back, accept the situation for what it is, and push forward...now if only i could take my own advice...

something about writing is such a great way to vent...i guess now that i look back on it i'm not the only one that's going thru what some may call a recession...i was speaking to a really good friend of mine on the phone the other day...i don't know how he does it but he puts things in such a good perspective you have a different outlook once the conversation is done...i felt a lot better...not to sound like i come from the stone age but it's something about a man being a man and wanting to work, wanting to bring home a nice paycheck and know he has earned his keep...i guess this whole job situation can easily make one feel "useless." i was scrambling day to day just looking for something to do...it's funny but when you're working you kinda don't want to be at work wishing you had more free time...and when you're not gainfully employed you kinda wish you were working...but, once the novelty of having the all this free wears off reality sets in along with other thoughts of sometimes depress, the feeling of uncertainty, the unknown...i owe my friend a debt of gratitude...sometimes it's good to know you're not the only one in the boat...it's good to know there is someone else going thru something similar...i always say i have the greatest friends in the world, even when i have the idle time to knit pick and trip off the little things, they somehow bring me back full circle...my friend constantly reminds me don't sweat the small stuff or even the big stuff it's just plain ole' stuff...and i always respond that we are truly blessed that it could be worse...i am slowly finding more things to do in this idle time & reminded by two other good friends to take advantage of this time...i'm truly glad & really blessed and know that life is good...there is also someone who has been instrumental who is very close to me & i realize even more how important she is...thank you...

I sit here in front of my laptop pondering on what to write...not for the sake of writing just to fill time or space, but rather, to write to comment on events & situations that i may spend too much time thinking about...i remember a time when people used to hold the door open for you...i remember a time when women were women & men were men...i remember when people weren't shocked that you had manners...i remember alot of things but for some reason i can't seem to find resolve in regards to why people collectively tend to act the way they do...there just doesn't seem to be a sense of humanity as a whole...we invade countries, we bomb them, kill their citizens, yet rest our heads comfortably on soft pillows only to stress about bills & other things...i have a friend who has been deployed to iraq for the 2nd time...i really doubt the 1st thing on his mind is a mortgage or a cell phone bill...the main concern for him is to stay alive & make it back home without the nightmares that PTSD brings...i've had PTSD so i know what it's like to wake up screaming...not PTSD from fighting a war but PTSD from fighting Kaiser, from fighting the very thought that my mother didn't come home from the hospital...it has surely changed me...ask anyone that really knows me...i am glad to say that i am sleeping better, i don't have the nightmares, & i have a greater appreciation for life...those that know me know i don't hold back...those that know me know i feel things...some label it sensitive i label it life...i've been accused by a good friend of mine for being too sensitive but his frame of reference is far different from mine...it's almost as if it's a pagan accusation...oh know, here comes the sensitive guy...well, what makes a person so hard???...life's experiences???...hmm, i was thrown from a vehicle at 6 months, lost both my parents in the accident, i survived & was adopted...i watched my mother die in the hospital & never got a chance to say goodbye or hear her last words...so, how am i sensitive???...shouldn't those experiences make me "hard???" the way i see it i should be a real jerk...i should have no feelings at all...all that i've been thru, the ups & downs in dealing with relationships would have turned anyone into a womanizer...is that what the definition of man is???...quantity rather than quality???...i prefer it the other way around...courage is not defined by how many people you fight or the type of music you listen to, courage is defined by each person's own strength whether it's measured simply by getting up in the morning everyday & heading out to do something they don't really want to do but know it will better others in their family or the strength to stand up to those that bring harm not only thru violence but thru words that do affect you...i'm one that believes in loyalty & honor & the code of discipline...i don't surround myself with liars or those i feel i have to question in my mind...i understand that people change but what i don't understand is why some change for the worse...i don't understand why people take people for granted & not appreciate them for who & what they are everyday...i don't understand why people tend to have short term memory loss in regards to who their true friends & family are...when my mother died i learned many valuable lessons about people & how they act & react...i learned that those that say they're your family aren't...i also learned that there are those that truly do have your best interests at heart...sometimes people tend to lose their way or they see a shinier car on the lot or grass they tend to think is greener...but, that does not give that person the right to treat those that have been by their sides like S***...i treat those the same way i would like to be treated whether you're a stranger or you're the closest person to me...i feel that is what's lacking nowadays...the disconnect...we'd rather connect to facebook than face-to-face...we'd rather send an e-mail than paste a stamp...we sit in our cars day after day cursing up a storm at someone we don't even know due to our "space" created by the doors in our vehicle...we then act as if we own the space outside the vehicle...i'm guilty of this & am working on it & trying to break a habit that i know is not healthy...i don't smoke or drink yet it seems like i might as well since the harm i am doing myself getting stressed or angry pretty much has the same effect...so, what's the solution???...people close to me say don't worry, move on, don't trip, live your life...these are great mantras to live by but everything seems easier said than done...i do take heed to the wonderful advice i receive & want to get things like they use to be but therein lies the very reason possibly as to why i'm even writing this blog...i know things will never be the same again...people change...people move on...it's time i do the same...